I have learnt a very important life lesson over the past 36 hours; I can no longer take my health for granted ever again.
After a relatively painless process of actually getting the chemo inserted into me ( I'm having Adriamycic and Cyclophosphamide for the first four times and Docetaxel for the last four times) I felt relatively positive about the ease of the process.
And then my world came crashing down around me literally with a thud in the middle of that evening. I had heard that many chemo patients do not fully absorb it for a few days so I thought I'd have at least a day up my sleeve to do something nice....
Well that was not the case for me; mine went straight into my blood stream and hit me with a vengeance all night Friday and all day yesterday. I got up at 1.30am to go to the bathroom and have a drink and I was numb with pain! I then woke up at about 6am, came to check my emails and couldn't even muster up the energy to reply to any! I gauged myself with ginger tea and my anti nausea tablets as well as multi vitamins and every other vitamin I could find and went back to bed.
One of the best pieces of advice my oncologist gave me was to drink as much fluid as I possibly could so that I could get these poisons out of my body as fast as possible. I had hit rock bottom and had never felt so nauseous, fatigued, dizzy and generally sick in all of my life (in medical terms I was a zero out of ten). My mind broke down for little while as I was so upset as to how horrible this disease was making me feel for the first time. Surgery was painful but this felt so much worse to me. My darling partner consoled me (as always) and I instantly put it into perspective and just realised I needed to get through the day; as this HAD to be the worst of it.
I woke at about 11.30am and felt a little better. I got up and had some avocado on toast and some more fluids, which made me feel instantly better (to about a one out of ten but that was good).
I had a shower and I was determined to see if I could go for a walk as I thought the fresh air would help me feel better too, so Matty and I went down to the waterfront at Sandgate and went for a short walk; I actually felt pretty good walking in the sunshine and fresh air (with one of my new hats as you cannot have too much sun during chemo). By the end, I was exhausted and we came home and I went straight to bed and slept all afternoon. I woke at about 4.30pm when Mum visited and dropped off some dinner and some new sewing bits (thanks ma!!) and then went back to bed at 6pm.....
So that is a summary of what I will refer to as my first day of hell. BUT I'm so so pleased to say that after my day of rest and drinking lots of fluids (I went to the bathroom no less than eight times during the night) I feel SO much better today. I'm about a five out of ten today but compared to yesterday, I feel like a million dollars! So I'm praying that yesterday was the worst of it and while I'm likely to feel fatigued over the coming weeks, I hope that I don't feel that sickness again until next round (I will be making the most of every day I feel ok that's for sure!).
In the words of Lance Armstrong, Pain is temporaray, quitting is permanent! While I had the shock of my life yesterday as to how depleted one can feel (remembering that I rarely get sick so I probably have a very low pain threshold to begin with) if I have one bad day like yesterday for seven more rounds, I will be ok as I know how to manage it - lots of goodness, rest and fluids....and attention from my lovely partner and family!
I still haven't fully realised why I have been put on this journey yet but I am sure of one thing. I will come out the other end very strong and confident in my ability to tackle life challenges and I will never take the life of myself or anyone else around me for granted. One of the things that got me through yesterday without a doubt were all the wishes, messages, thoughts and love that have completely overwhelmed me over the past few weeks. They all felt so powerful yesterday and I know they will continue to give me a lot of strength and positive energy; a necessity for beating this rotten disease. I thank each and every person who has taken the time to get in touch and send me your heartfelt messages; they have made a difference. They have truly warmed my heart.
Onwards and upwards from here..... one treatment down, seven to go!
So glad you're feeling better today Suse - I guess you have to expect some 'down' days. But as you say, if it's only one day you have to write off, you are probably one of the luckier ones. And besides, sitting still for a day probably won't hurt you!!!
ReplyDeleteKeep your spirits up and just make the most of all of these times you feel good - it won't make the times that you don't so unbearable then.
Talk to you later xoxo
Hi Suse, so glad you are through number one of your treatment. It is difficult for anyone to talk to you about it unless they have gone through it but all I can say is that maybe now you know what you are up against it will be a bit easier for you to deal with. I am sure you felt dreadful and I feel so upset about that, but you did deal with it, Suse, and come out fighting. There is no doubt in anyone's mind that you will beat this. It may no be an easy journey but it has to be for a reason. (Remind me one day to read you about 'The Master Weaver@
ReplyDeleteSusie, we send all our love to you, it is awful what you are having to go through but there is no doubt that you will fulfill your journey with flying colours.
Lots of love to you, Suse, from Baked Bean and Me and also Nell and Len
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Dear Susie,
ReplyDeleteWOW - this blog is a testament to your incredible strength of character and you should be so proud of yourself, whilst at the same realise that , that with your strength NOTHING is going to be a too big of an obstacle for you to overcome.
I'm a friend of Kylie's, and she has shared your story with me to show me how inspirational and amazing you are. She is right.
Susie my heart goes out to you, and I hope that the good moments in each day become greater, and that you can string together a series of good days. Remember you don't always need to be brave, and it's okay at times to feel that life has been cruel and unfair - it has. But it also will be the making of you - no one can come through the trauma of cancer treatment unchanged, and I am yet to see a patient come out less of a person than before the cancer.
With love and best wishes for the chemo to be a gentle as possible,
Hayley