Getting Festive

It's almost NYE and I thought it's been a few weeks since I've written my update...... the lead up to Xmas was  pretty good and while I'm now constantly feeling like a 90 year old lady, I recovered pretty well from chemo 7..... I think it has something to do with the fact that I only had to inject 50% of the drug!!!

I was so relieved that my feet didn't get really sore and infected, however, they are still very tender and I'm wearing socks every day.... I've been told they will not begin to improve until chemo finishes so I'm looking after them as best I can until then.

Christmas this year was really special for all of us. It was the major milestone that I've been dreaming about on all of the mornings I have been lying in bed, crying and waiting for the nightmare to end.... so the lead up was a very exciting feeling as I knew I only have ONE TO GO!

Xmas was very emotional for me this year, especially writing on everyone's xmas cards because it brought back all of the memories and emotions over the past several months.... so I could only do one card a day for my close friends and family, as I couldn't control the tears! It means to much to me that I have so many people who care so deeply about me and it was really great to be able to express my gratitude and appreciation for the love and kindness they have shown me.

It didn't end with simply cards!! This year, I found it very challenging to go out shopping for Xmas presents (yes you heard it everyone, I didn't enjoy shopping for the first time in my life!!!!) mainly because I get so tired easily and the crowds were just too difficult for me....... so I resorted to a lot of online shopping and I'm afraid my family all received a home made gift from me (yes, that's what happens when I have too much time on my hands; sorry mum, shell and matty!!!!)

Our Xmas Day was really really lovely and relaxing at Mum and Dad's. As always, mum excelled in the kitchen and we all enjoyed a dairy, wheat, soy and gluten free day!!!! Honestly, you wouldn't have been able to tell the difference as it was so delicious! We got super spoilt as always and I LOVED all of my pressies....... I now have an adjustable mannequin for my sewing room, some fab new Alannah outfits and a new iPad! We had a really great day full of laughs and special moments so it was great fun!

Here are a few of my home made xmas gifts to my family....... I really enjoyed making them and it was great to be able to give people a home made gift for the first time in my life! I have also mastered baking without wheat flour for the first time with my colourful xmas cookies.

The past few days I have been feeling quite good so I did venture into the gym ...... I was walking on the treadmill only but managed to do a good 40 - 45 mins both days. I thought I'd test my fitness and broke into a very light jog on the first day........ I managed 1 minute 20 seconds before my legs felt like they were going to drop off! Yes my achy bones were very apparent and it hit me just how much the treatment has affected my body, so I didn't try jogging again as I've resided myself to the fact that I'm not going to even put myself through any more physical pain until after chemo...... but I feel my body is going to take a good few months to bounce back! One thing is for sure, I cannot wait until my eyelashes grow back!

For the first time ever, we are having a quiet NYE. There is no way I could stay up until midnight but I will be dreaming of you all celebrating hard in my deep sleep! Please do some partying for me!!!

Happy New Year and hope you are all enjoying the festive season.

xx

Another one bites the dust - my penultimate Chemo!! (7)

Well I can barely believe that I now only have ONE CHEMO TO GO!!!!! My goodness, when I think about it, it fills my heart and my body with so much excitement I cannot tell you!

All went ok yesterday...... I went for my blood test earlier as I always do and I knew it was a good sign when the nurse got the needle in the vein on the first attempt........ I joked with her and asked if she wanted to come to the Wesley with me and put my chemo needle in but obviously she couldn't .......

My luck continued when I had a nurse I haven't had before and I have to say that the most anxious part of having chemo has been getting the needle over the past few times, as it has taken up to 4 times to get it in and they are quite large and painful!!! But she got it in first go and I was delighted!!!!

Before that though, there was a minor drama...... my oncologist is on holidays so I was assigned another one. He came to see me as I was asking about my feet and he said they still look really bad (I have barely any normal skin on the bottom of my feet as it has all come off and it looks very unattractive!!!)....... I wanted to know if there was anything I could do to avoid getting yet another foot infection and when he looked at them he said "oh, let's cancel today's treatment, those feet need more time to recover!!!" Now I'm sure you can ALL imagine what I was thinking ..... I have planned my treatment around xmas and being well enough to attend my cousin's wedding in January so there was no way at this late stage that I was going to postpone treatment, meaning I wouldn't finish in early January!!!!!

Anyway we negotiated that I would have half the dosage of the chemo drug AND the bonus of this is that I won't need to have an extra treatment or anything (why haven't you given me this dosage the entire time I was thinking!!!!)...... so I am now still on track to finish on 7 Jan which is only three weeks away and I cannot wait!

I think I may get the foot infection but they said this is one of the side effects of docetaxel and there is little I can do..... so I'm hoping it's not as painful as last time but we'll see......I have my antibiotics ready to go in case it does return.....

The good news is that my white blood cells were the highest they have been for the entire time..... they jumped from 3.4 to 7.1 from last treatment to this one; great news! My red cells on the other hand are getting very low now and they have gone from 122 - 101 from the start to now so I may need to have a blood transfusion on my last session if I go any lower (fingers crossed I won't need it and I'm thinking some good aussie xmas cheer may increase the count!!)

Yesterday was the last session with my mum taking me which was nice...... we had some good laughs and I was teasing her a bit so it was a bit of fun.......we said on the way out; well, this will be the last time we experience this together - THANK GOODNESS!!!!!!

I've had a very sleepless night but today I'm not feeling too bad...... I feel worse than I have on both of the previous treatments for some weird reason (I thought half the amount would mean half the pain!!!!) but I'm ok and far far better than I was on my first few treatments....

So here is to a quick recovery and a lovely Xmas day! I wish you all a wonderful Xmas and I love you all lots and lots....... I realise this journey has not just been mine, but all of my friends and family's and as we are now coming to the end of it, I can actually begin to imagine what life will be like feeling well again..... let's just say I will continue to smell the roses and ensure that every day brings me love, laughter and happiness wherever I am....... and I will be making the most of every single day and treasuring it because it brings me good health and so many amazing friends and loving people around me...... I am very lucky!

Merry Xmas to my beautiful friends

xxxx

It's Christmas

There have been many days where I have lay in bed dreaming of getting to Xmas; a big milestone! It has always felt so far away so now that it's here, I have been really enjoying getting into the spirit of it..... all from the comfort of home!!

Putting up the tree was quite emotional this year as for the first time, I felt lucky to be here..... something we all take for granted every day but I am grateful to all of my specialists for discovering it and acting so quickly and professionally.......not to mention all of the support, love and wishes from everyone from across the world..... my goodness, you have all got me through this!!

I have been really enjoying making a few gifts this year and there is nothing better than having a visit from my friends, especially when they say they would like a head scarf or a tea cosy or one of my other pieces.....I have loved being able to give so many friends something I've made as it sounds simple, but I have certainly never had the time to do it before.

I have also made some decorations and put them up in the house, so there are 'susie touches' all around us (yes, poor Matty I can hear you saying!!!).... some of them are actually nice!!!!!

I wish you all a very Merry Xmas and a wonderful festive season...... despite that I may still be recovering from chemo on xmas day, I hope that I don't have this infection back and that I am feeling well enough to go for a swim and to enjoy a nice lunch...... that is my wish this xmas!

Here is one of my latest creations...

xx

Chemo side effects

The latest side effect, aside from losing the skin on the bottom of my feet has been the loss of my eyelashes.... can you believe that the hair on my head is actually growing (very very slowly) but I have lost my lashes and most of my eyebrows....... 

I didn't realise how painful it can be to lose your lashes..... they have been regularly weeping and I'm constantly wiping them, despite buying glasses and eye drops....... I'm generally fine if I stay at home but going out in air conditioned places is a bit of a nightmare...... so no xmas shopping for me!! Sorry everyone, you will be getting home made gifts only this year!!!!

The other major side effect which we haven't been able to combat is hot flushes...... despite me taking a supplement to try to manage them, I am getting them every night all night...... one minute I'm freezing so I snuggle up to Matty and then I'm roasting hot........ so it goes on and on all night so I am looking forward to the day when these disappear from my life!! (until at least I'm in my 50's!!!)

The fatigue has also been much more noticable so I'm not sure if it's because I'm on my 7th treatment or whether it's the actual treatment...... but basically, I feel like a 30 year old mind in a 90 year old body!!!! Oh to wake up feeling well every day!!!!

Anyway, overall, it's all ok and I realise as I sit here writing that there could be far far worse things happening to me and other people so I am grateful for the fact that the side effects have been minimal and managable to a large extent!

Funny Stories

In the lead up to Xmas there have been a few funny stories that I thought may give you a giggle, as they did me!!

I went to get my swimming prosthesis this week which was very exciting, as I can now go swimming and still go in my nice funky bikinis........ when the lady showed it to me, she said "oh it doesn't matter if you lose this at the beach because it just looks like a jellyfish!!!!" She had clearly forgotten to think about how I might be feeling if I lose it making obvious my one boob!!!!!! So I have sewed the little pockets into my swimmers extra small and tight!!!

I have been dabbling with my creative projects, which is really the only thing that keeps me really stimulated and happy as I can do it at home and take it at my pace..... my lovely best friend Joey, suggested I make some Angels for xmas which I liked the sound of, so went and got everything I need for them...... came home, made my first one and wrapped it nicely and gave it to Mum as she arrived that morning....... she opened it up and laughed her head off..... then she said "hahahaha is that an angel or a GHOST!!!!" So I had to take it back and rework it so it wouldn't spook her and her guests!!!!! Here it is (before I reworked it) so you can make the choice for yourself!!!

Chemo Six

Well I have just realised that it's the morning of chemo 7 but I have missed a few weeks of blogging and haven't told you about the last treatment yet! My apologies!

In summary, chemo six went fine; the nurses are having great difficulties getting needles into me and it took about three attempts before the needle went in, but that is better than five!!! The session itself went fine and in fact, the following day I was out going for a leisurely stroll along the waterfront with my family..... as my sis had come for another visit from NZ....... it was great!

Then the reality of chemo set in and I got that terrible foot infection back..... in BOTH of my feet this time....... I'm really not sure why it's happening but I have lost a layer of skin on the bottom of my feet and that has caused my feet to become badly infected.......

I was lathering cream on them and keeping them in socks as well as taking antibiotics and resting, resting and resting.......and nothing seemed to work.... I was in agony for a few days to the point where I could barely stand on them but a week later, I recovered and got back to normality!

I have felt extremely tired from this treatment, to the point where I haven't been able to go out for longer than an hour before feeling exhausted....... but after seeing Ben, my kineso this week, he has given me a new supplement Iodine, which has worked wonders to my energy levels...... so I feel now that with two treatments to go, I can do it!!!

I woke up this morning with a pang of dread and excitement as I know that after today, I will have one to go...... bring on 7th Janaury!!!!

xx

Infection Fever Turns to Happiness Fever

Two weeks in from chemo 5, I have nearly fully recovered! It has been a long and slow recovery this time round; can you believe that I still have the bruise in my arm from where the needle went in? (that said, it took four times for the needle to go in successfully last time!!!).

I have suffered a bit this week as I got my first infection, which was an interesting experience. I had what I thought was a very simple blister on my heel, which has turned into an infection after I went for a short walk last week....... who would ever have thought that a blister could turn into a very painful infection! My immune system was clearly very low as I didn't have the white cells to repair the skin (which would normally happen in your sleep after some foot cream!).... and as a result, I haven't been able to stand on my foot for most of the week as it's been extremely painful. I took antibiotics and kept it bandaged up so it has improved throughout the week and I am now able to stand on it and walk in my sandals......while I'm sure the rest has been much appreciated by my body, it has been a very frustrating and challenging recovery for me as I'm not the best person to be told to sit still for two whole weeks. But I had to learn very quickly that I shouldn't get frustrated and fight it; I should rest up and appreciate the time I have to sit still!!! (yes I did actually think that!).

I was watching an ABC programme this week about happiness and one of the best insights for me came when the expert was discussing emotions.... he said that in order to feel true happiness, you need to have experienced the full spectrum of emotions - from sadness, grief, loss etc to excitement, laughter & love etc..... now I have always felt that I am extremely lucky to have had such a fabulous life; how many people get to have experienced living on the other side of the world, career success and a life filled with amazingly loving and caring friends and family....... that said, now that I have felt and experienced so much grief, loss and illness, I think that my perspective on life has definitely changed for the better over the past few months. I don't think anyone can ever imagine what it's like to wake up and not feel well enough to get out of bed, shower and do simple things...... and don't worry, neither could I just a few months ago. But now, if I feel well, I am instantly happy every morning as it feels like a massive bonus to feel well.......imagine how excited I will feel when I'm back to full health!

There have been lots of little things that have really helped me to feel happy including:

Listening to music - downloading new songs from iTunes each week (at the moment, I am a big fan of the Jay Z/Alicia Keys Sex in the City Soundtrack - it rocks)

Reading novels - I have had so many friends send me some fabulous books which I have been reading constantly and they have given me a true escapism - so thank you so much to everyone who has sent me these.....and on bad days, magazines are great too......

Cooking - I've been given some great recipes from friends and it has been great fun to experiment in the kitchen using non wheat, dairy, soy and gluten recipes..... "what can you eat" I hear you asking!!! We got a new juicer last night so that will be great fun to experiment with....

Baths - I've never been a big fan of having a bath, but I have loved having the time to do this over the past few months - grab a book or magazine, get the iPod cranking and it's the perfect remedy to feel better

Unleashing your creativity - yes I have loved learning how to knit and sew over the past few months and there is no doubt this has really helped me to feel good and happy.... especially now that I have an entire room dedicated to it..... who knows, it may be the start of something new.... but it has been great fun and I've loved every minute of it.... AND for those of you who thought knitting was for Nannas, apparently it's massive in London and young women now have knitting parties!

Walking/pilates/yoga- prior to my treatment, I ran most days, however, I have not been able to do much running at all, which at first was devastating to me.... but I quickly discovered there is nothing better than getting out in the fresh air and going for a nice walk, especially around our hilly streets! I think this has made a massive difference to my wellbeing as the happiness it brings me to get outside and walk has been huge. I have also loved learning pilates and yoga too; two classes I would never have gone to previously as they were not high energy enough! Boy, how times change.

My blog - I embarked on this project to keep all of my friends around the world updated on what is happening as well as to inspire and educate other cancer patients..... I had no idea how it would evolve and I did feel anxious about revealing all of my inner thoughts and feelings at first but now, I realise that all of the love and support I've received back from it, has helped me soooooo much to get through this journey. It has been a great outlet to unleash my feelings and I look forward to the day I can go back and have a look at my early entries - I'm sure it will help to keep my new perspective on life very fresh! I also hope it has helped people to learn more about their bodies and be more conscious of the things we put into them; if I have impacted on one person, that is a great feeling for me.

I almost cannot believe that I'm back at chemo next Friday (26th). It has come around so quickly but I am also extremely excited that after next Friday, I only have two treatments to go.... my gosh, the end is so in my sight!

I am also going back to work part time after my next treatment which is really exciting. It feels like a distant memory to be in the routine of working each day but I am looking forward to seeing everyone in my team again and feeling very proud of everything they have achieved over the past four months.

Well it is Saturday morning and my good week end so I'm off to enjoy it! I wish you all a really wonderful week end too!

xxx

Post Chemo 5

I'm not sure where to begin with this post........ it's been a bit of a crazy week and I have found out that a girl I went to primary school with has just been diagnosed with breast cancer and is about to start chemo in two weeks...... I vividly remember reading other blogs before I started chemo and to be frank, I found them depressing! I could never have imagined feeling so terrible and down about anything so I really didn't believe I would ever be in that space......... but then the reality of chemo one hit!

So I always try to write my blog so that it doesn't scare people who are about to start chemo..... but I have to say that this week, it's difficult to do that because chemo is hard and it is like no other feeling you have ever felt before (or that you'll feel ever again hopefully). My biggest resolve is that if I can get through this, I can do ANYTHING! I don't think any other life challenge will quite compare to eight rounds of chemotherapy. And five times into it, I am still astounded at how the human body bounces back from feeling completely depleted to pretty good in a fairly short space of time.

It's really great that I have now had five out of eight sessions but this was the first of the new drug (Docetaxel) and I had heard it was much easier than my previous drugs...... in essence, whoever said this was lying!

After chemo on Monday, I woke up on Tuesday pinching myself as I felt so good and normal that I couldn't believe that I had had chemo!!! I was over the moon....... then Wednesday came........

I woke up feeling terrible..... I spent the entire day in bed sleeping; which I have never done before after any treatment! Every bit of energy had been sapped from my body, my head was muddy and I was so fatigued like never before. I was taking high doses of supplements but they didn't make a huge difference like they had with the previous treatments..... I saw Ben (my kineso) on Thursday and he adjusted my supplement doses and gave me the equivalent of 100 folic acid tablets (he said he's only ever given one other person this dosage) and upped my doses of everything else......

One of the side effects of the new chemo drug is aching bones.... my god, I felt every single bone in my body ache and ache yesterday - from my elbows to my knees, it was painful! There is a high chance of chemo patients developing osteoporosis so I am trying to keep as active as possible to avoid this happening..... all I can say is if this is a taste of what osteo feels like, I never want to develop it!

Today is Friday and I'm feeling slightly better but I have to say that I don't feel like chemo is getting any easier; and three more of the same sounds like a massive challenge to me right now! I consider myself to be a pretty strong person and each time, I find that it takes every bit of energy to pull me back into a positive mindset........

I have realised this week how lucky I have been to have Matt here at home with me up until now, helping me every step of the way to get through it...... I REALLY feel for people who are doing the treatment alone as it is one long and lonely journey; especially through the dark days and moments......

But I stay focused on all of the amazing things we have to look forward to, especially our wedding..... on some days, I dream about simple things like getting into my jeans and heels and going to a bar for a glass of champagne or going out for a nice dinner....... oh I will never take these outings we enjoyed regularly for granted again!

Come January, there is no doubt I will be the happiest person in the world. While this journey has taught me so much about myself, I never want to be on it again.......

Bring on 2011!
xx

Soothing The Soul During Chemo

It's the day of treatment number five, and I am VERY excited about being able to say that I only have three treatments to go after today; it now really feels like I'm on the home stretch which is a big achievement given where I was after the first couple of treatments.

My health over the past couple of weeks has continued to be good and so much better than every other treatment so far, so chemo for me is definitely getting easier! Many people ask whether you get worse as the treatment goes on as your immune system is operating at about 30% and for me, with the help of a strict new diet and lots of probiotic supplements, I am surprising myself at how my body is bouncing back and tackling the treatment.

After reaching the half way milestone, my beautiful partner Matt got a new job, so we have taken some time out to have a holiday together before he starts today. For me, it was really great to get away and forget about breast cancer and chemo for a few days and to feel like a normal person again! We had an AMAZING break and I really encourage anyone going through chemo to take time out to go away and treat yourself........in fact we had such a great time that I have forgotten what the feeling of chemo is like......... so it is true; holidays soothe the soul!

My new diet with no wheat, dairy, soy or gluten is going well and I have really not found the adjustment difficult at all. Yes, we need to be more organised than before and take a few supplies with us but overall, I really feel that our diet now is how everyone should be eating all of the time. The focus is very much on meat, veges, salad and fruit and my body is feeling so much better for it! For snacks, I can eat nuts, fruit, avocado on corn bread or any home made treats (with potato, buckwheat or rice flour).

If I do fancy a treat, thai and indian cuisines are best for me as they have a base of coconut milk and I can eat rice! So there are many many options and I am enjoying the response my body has been giving me since the change. I really believe this and all the other advice my kinesiologist has given me will lead to a long and healthy existence!

A friend who has had cancer very kindly sent me a product which he believes helped to cure him. It's imported from the US and is called Mona Vie. It is a blend of the Brazilian Acai berry - a superfood- and 18 other beneficial fruits. It's great to experiment with new products like this so I will take it for a few days, see how I feel and also take it to my kineso to get tested! (thanks Glenn!)

So today my drugs change and they are supposed to be much easier than the ones I've had before...... I can only hope that tonight, tomorrow and the next week brings me good health and that I continue to feel good and strong during treatment. I am pretty confident this will happen although I am feeling a little nervous.

It has been so great to forget about cancer and chemo during this treatment and I am feeling so much happier that I'm another step closer to defeating this disease and getting back to living a normal life. I am hopefully going to be well enough to return to work part time next week which is very exciting - (I have forgotten what dressing up in skirts and heels feels like, so Alannah I'm back very soon!!!).....  thank goodness I've been keeping the brain as active as I can and my boss and team have been keeping me in the loop with the happenings in the office so I am looking forward to going back.

So after today, FIVE down and THREE to go....... what an amazing feeling!

xxx

Half Way Bombshell!

My first week post chemo has continued to be much more bearable than the previous times, thanks to my kinesiologist....... however, I wasn't feeling so great on Tuesday - my body temperature was fluctuating constantly and I was having hot flushes all throughout the night, so I went to see my kineso on Tuesday evening to see if there was anything he could do for me. He was actually all booked up so I saw his dad instead (he assured me that he'd learnt everything from his dad) who has an excellent reputation across Australia.

He did a muscle test first up and confirmed that everything is terrible, so that was a relief as that is how I was feeling!!! He then started testing some food substances and began with wheat (which we had tested before but we thought it was ok) and sure enough, it reacted badly........ in fact I could feel the pain in key places after I put it on my tongue and funnily enough I had deteriorated that afternoon and guess what I had for lunch? pasta!!!

He then tested rye, gluten and oats and all of these reacted badly also! So I am now officially a nightmare to prepare any food for....... it makes me dairy, soy, wheat and gluten intolerant!!! So my life as a passionate foodie is officially over! I am pretty well much confined to fruit, vege and meat.....(but I'm sure that between us, we will come up with a few recipes for treats!!!)

I was really upset at first, however I do realise that I am one of the very few people who has a very sensitive internal system so if it means that I live a long, healthy and cancer free life, then it's a no brainer really.....

I'm not sure if I have reported on this yet but there are over 60 pesticide substances that have already been banned in the UK that we are still using in Australia so we are way behind the rest of the world in this area. This means that we need to preferably buy organic or wash everything before we eat it very thoroughly. It is quite scary that my oncologist has said that the cancer has been growing inside me for at least two years... and this coincides with the time (or is just after) we moved back from the UK about two and a half years ago..... I think they are all signs that we need to be extra careful about what we put in our bodies and I have been SO encouraged by the number of our friends who have changed their eating habits and started looking into the best way to buy fresh food...

The kineso also put me on high doses of folic acid tablets, which have immediately kicked in and made me feel so much better..... so I am very confident that we have the right doses of supplements post chemo now and hopefully this will continue to help me tremendously for the last four sessions.

We tested all of my beauty products last week, so I thought it may be helpful to document which products tested ok and which ones didn't.

Good Products:

Clinique liquid foundation

Crystal Deodorant (however, the body shop's fragrant free roll on deodorant tested ok too even though it has aluminium in it)

Aesop - Rind concentrate body balm
Aesop - Rejuvenate Aromatique body balm
Aesop - Geranium Leaf body balm

The Body Shop - Aloe body lotion

Kiehl's - Creme de Corps

Lancome - Renergie Morpholift

Sanctuary - Pro-Collagen Night Concentrate

Bad Products

Benefit - Bathina (body lotion)

Sanctuary - rich rejuvenating moisturiser

All Lanolin based moisturisers/body lotions we tested

Bloom Organics - nourishing hand cream

It was interesting that many of the organic/natural products actually tested negatively.... remembering that everyone is different so you should get them tested on your own body.....but it has been very helpful to me.

So we are not even at the one week post chemo mark and I am feeling better and stronger every day.... I have been very good and rested all week and it is paying dividends for me now.... this is the best I've felt within a week post chemo.... so let the positive and wellness vibes continue!!

xx

Half Way Milestone!

It's Saturday morning, day one post chemo four and here I am for the second time feeling pretty ok...... much to my relief and overwhelming joy.

Yesterday marked a really significant achievement for me as I can now say that I'm half way. YAH! I was super excited to reach this point, so I can only imagine what it will be like for me to get to Xmas when I will only have ONE to go! I will be beside myself with excitement.

We had a really good week this week and I was feeling strong; I even did 6kms at the gym on Wednesday..... and felt pretty good afterwards. Matty and I dressed up for the big milestone occasion yesterday; I wore jeans, my wig AND a hat (it's a far cry from my beautiful Alannah Hill wardrobe which has been lying dormant for the past few months but far dressier than the cargos, jumper and hat I usually cobble together) and my goal was not to cry during chemo for the first time....(trust me, that is a big goal!). Everyone in the chemo area is far older than me and we always look completely out of place when we sit there so it is rather a depressing environment.

I spent the morning creating one of my new product lines (pics below) and was totally in the creative zone. I then realised the time so raced to get my blood test before leaving for the hospital. We arrived a little late and while I had that nauseous feeling in my stomach as soon as we entered the car park, I was far more relaxed about it this time round than ever before, so I was confident I could do it without crying (and it's not just a few tears normally; it's a good 20min sob while poor Matty has to calm me down!!!). That was until the nurse put the needle into my wrist for the first time and failed..... then tried another vein in the back of my hand and failed at that too.... then I asked her if someone else could do it; seeing that she was getting stressed which was making me feel anxious! The second attempt REALLY hurt me so I didn't want her coming near me again.... thankfully she found the lovely man who usually does it for me and he got it right first go.... (thank you Ralph!) so I got through that without any tears and I was proud of myself.

I was very excited to see the first drug go into my body (it's a red liquid which instantly makes me feel terrible) for the last time....... we had a mini celebration at the end of that; there were high fives all round! Then I sat and the second drug was injected, which takes about one hour.... but boy it was a great feeling to say good riddance to these two drugs! The next four treatments will involve only one drug and it's apparently a lot easier than these ones..... a very exciting thought.

I decided to take a big dose of Grape Seed tablets before I went in yesterday and when I saw Ben (kineso) straight afterwards, he said I was much better this time than after the last chemo session...... I felt ok too as normally I get really sick very quickly... so I was hopeful! He dosed me up and I had loads of pills last night and I am feeling remarkably ok today, so I'm soooooo happy! It was definitely a good plan to take them before chemo.

My blood test results were excellent yesterday much to my delight. My white blood cells were higher than what they were before chemo 2 (4.5), so I was thrilled (also because I don't need to have the self injection this time round). My red blood cell count went down by 2-3 which is nothing, so I was also really pleased about that. It confirmed that all of my dietary changes and supplements are making a massive difference.

One of the really strange things that happened yesterday was that I have had a sore eye for the past few days. I think I was getting a bit of a sty on it, however, it was amazing that about 30mins into chemo I noticed that it had really eased and by last night it was gone! That's how powerful chemo is; it kills anything and everything inside your body!

I have such relief and hope today and I'm now past the worst of this experience...... while I've had to make massive dietary changes and really dedicate myself to getting well, it is so worth it after reaching this milestone. Not a day goes by where I don't think myself SOOOO lucky that I found Ben, my kineso, as I have no doubt that he has made a massive difference to my health and at the same time, he has been so kind and generous with his time as he has wanted me to feel better each and every day.... so for that, I am forever grateful. Like all of my specialist doctors, he is truly amazing! I am still so touched by these people who dedicate their lives to helping others. Everyone I've come into contact with (including my GP who originally diagnosed me who still calls me every few weeks) has been so kind hearted, caring and brilliant at what they do.... I'm sure it has made this journey so much easier for me....

I can also reflect at this point on all of the love and kindness from all of you; my friends, family and supporters....... there hasn't been a day where I don't get at least a few emails, texts, phone calls and I cannot tell you just how much this has boosted me each and every day.... I have never felt so loved and cherished in my life and it is so amazing to have so many beautifully kind and caring people in my life..... I haven't always had the chance to call everyone back but I really appreciate every single message; they always bring a massive smile to my face! THANK YOU and I love you all!!!

Now for the fun stuff..... Joey and I are still going strong with our creative brand and the labels are due to arrive from the US any time soon..... she has taught me a new product line this week and here are some pics of completed ones....... hope you enjoy!

Here is to the homeward stretch....I can do this!
xxx

This was my very first tea cosie - in Xmas colours!

Head Scarf

My Naughty Little Confession

It's been a good week for me overall, with great progress being made with my kineso. I saw him on Friday and we tested a few more things.....one of which was hommus. This was a great replacement for butter on some corn bread and avocado, however, after my big sis watched Sex In the City 2 (who said SITC was not educational!!), she learnt that it contains estrogen. As my cancer was hormone/estrogen positive, this means I have had too much estrogen in my body. Sure enough, we tested it and my body went crazy with it!

Basically, it contains a natural substance called phytoestrogen, which is found in many foods, including fruit/vege/nuts etc (here is a list: http://www.dietaryfiberfood.com/phytoestrogen.php). Soy products contain the highest volumes of phytoestrogen and they are normally recommended to women to eat lots of these products to actually prevent cancer. My body however, cannot tolerate soy nor hommus (or anything with high volumes of phytoestrogen in). I am now hoping that it's only the foods with really high content levels of phytoestrogen that I cannot tolerate..... nevertheless, it felt like I'm making great progress as I was eating hommus after chemo 3, so I am hoping if I avoid any of these foods for the week, that I will feel even better next time round (yes Friday marks the half way milestone!).

My kineso mentioned that my body is super sensitive to foods and that I'm going to have to be very careful for the rest of my life.... he also mentioned that most people can eat all of these foods without any problems; these are simply the cards I've been dealt this time round...... but after a week of eating fresh food only last week, I felt great by the end of the week. While I am fully trusting what he says, I do find it difficult to rationalise as I have never felt sick or different after eating any foods and I would have said that we had a very balanced diet before all of this...so I do find that a bit strange.... but I have also seen and felt how my body now reacts to foods and it is hyper sensitive so I must listen to it!

Which brings me onto my little confession. I'm writing this entry mostly so that I can come back to it later and remember it so that I am not naughty again!

Context: so remember we are talking about a big chocolate lover here..... I used to enjoy nothing more than to indulge in a couple of pieces of beautiful dark chocolate after dinner not every night, but many nights!!! And I've been deprived of chocolate for nearly two months now.....

So I got a devine hamper brought over to me from some lovely work colleagues (it was spectacular). It was full of so much fresh fruit, tea, nuts, home made cookies and yes, home made chocolates!!! hmmmmmm They looked simply delicious and after a week of eating nothing but fruit and vegetables (you can tell where this is heading can't you?!), boy, I felt like a treat on Saturday ( don't we all deserve a treat on the wk end??!!). SO..... I thought I had better try one.... then two..... then three..... and then I stopped.... they went down a treat and I ate nothing else for the day apart from fruit and vege. Never did I dream that the impact would be noticable......(I mean they were tiny little chocolates!!)

I woke on Sunday morning feeling terrible!!! My body was struggling through the morning and I can only put it down to the chocolates..... so I learnt my lesson not to be such a little pig! I couldn't believe how bad my body felt..... so I made myself go to the gym for a walk/jog and did feel better after that and lots of water and supplements! While it was a bit of a painful lesson to learn, I now know just how sensitive my body is so I mustn't do it again.....

Apart from that, I have been feeling the best I've felt this time round. I have done lots of my creative work; I have even started knitting some funky tea cosies this week (gees, I even sound like a Nanna now!) and I have made some of my beautiful silk scarves, which I have to say I am quite proud of as they actually look nice!

We have also done some baking and found some good recipes for treats e.g. banana muffins and soy/dairy free melting moments which are delicious.

So I only have a few days to go before I'm back at the hospital and obviously dreading it. This treatment however, is the last of the worst drugs (so I'm told) so next time I will have a new drug, which is apparently a lot easier. It also marks the half way mark of chemo; yiipppeee!

I have been excited this week as we did our english family xmas draw and I noticed yesterday that the xmas shop is alive and happening in Myer.... so bring on Xmas 2010.... as it means I only have one chemo session to go....and that will be a time for celebration!

Here's to chemo session four - I am REALLY hoping that all of the progress I've made with my kineso will pay off.....and who knows, I may be even better this time than last!

xx

Diets and Chemo

Well it has been over a week since I've checked in but that simply means that I've been busy with living life in my good week; yes, lots of knitting, some sewing, lots of reading and of course socialising and having fun! (and watching the Commonwealth Games!)

It has been a great week and although we've been lying low, I have been feeling very well, strong and happy! Matty got me a book this week which is all about how to conquer cancer the natural way. I started reading it and found some interesting insights.

According to the medical professionals, I have been extremely unlucky to be diagnosed with cancer. I remember my oncologist telling me this as I was lying in my hospital bed post surgery and I was wondering whether it was something I have eaten or put into my body that has caused cancer to become active.... According to my kinesiologist, it is something I have put into my body that has caused cancer.... so there are millions of theories relating to it and why it becomes active but I am trying to keep a balanced view while doing everything I can to ensure it doesn't come back in my body......

The essence of this book is based on a Grape Diet. You should detox for 2-3 days by drinking nothing but water and then eat grapes every two hours for 10-30 days! That seems a bit too radical for me during chemo, but I have been doing a detox by eating apples during the day and veges for dinner and I have to say that I have felt SO much better. I am going to start on the grapes today but I certainly won't do it for 10 days. The idea is that you deplete your body back to nothing (it says it's good to be a skeleton basically) so that there is nothing that cancer can feed off and then build it back up with raw fresh food. I like the sound of this but while I'm dealing with chemo, I think I will tailor it to eat fresh foods only. It is amazing the difference I have felt and we have found an organic supplier of fresh food which we are going to use from here on in (http://www.wholesomeorganics.com.au/). I haven't realised just how many preservatives and unnatural ingredients are in all of our food choices until this, so it opens up an array of new opportunities for us to explore new ways of living!

I also had a great tip from a friend yesterday who no longer uses household cleaning products and instead uses vinegar and bicarb of soda; another tip we will adopt! (thanks Gail!!)

There are still so many food choices available out there and I think the soy/dairy omition will simply lead to us being healthier and happier which is great..... AND I was excited to hear about the grape diet... I will try grape juice for breaky, grapes for lunch and champas for dinner!!!! haha (I'm still not feeling like alcohol but I'm sure it won't be long!!)

So I encourage everyone to be more conscious of your food choices..... it is amazing how many cases of cancer we have heard about lately, particularly with people our age (which makes me think there has to be something we are eating or putting into our bodies), so it's really important that we do everything we can to ensure a healthy and long life......

Week two has been great and the creative activities are coming along well..... have finished a few knitting pieces this week and completed my first felting piece.... I now have some beautiful new fabrics to make some scarves with... and we are continuing to make the most of the beautiful weather we have been having by getting outdoors as much as possible!

And finally, you won't believe this but some of my hair is actually growing!!! I have sideburns to rival Matty and some of the fluff on the top of my head is growing.... and I haven't lost any other hair on my body which I have found strange! I just keep thinking that it will be the first and only time in my life that I have more hair on my legs than on my head!!!

Here's to wellness and happy living.... thank you for all of your messages of love and support!

xx

Chemo Three - Kineso Success Continues

Today is day three post chemo three and I continue to feeling SO much better! We had a wonderful day yesterday as I woke up feeling like I was in week two; an amazing feeling for me. We went out for a beautiful stroll along with waterfront in the sunshine and had a great chat and lots of laughs and I cannot describe how wonderful this felt for me. I had to keep pinching myself believing that it was real!!!

We have been on a mission for the past few days, really discovering the foods I will and won't be able to eat. I am absolutely staggered at the amount of food that contains dairy and/or soy. Obviously soy is a big substitute for dairy, however, as I cannot have either ever again, it is fairly challenging to find non dairy and soy products. Here are a few things I was really surprised to find dairy/soy in:

Multigrain bread, muffins, crumpets etc - all contain soy flour

All savoury crackers/biscuits - not that I'll be indulging in cheese any more but rice crackers, vita wheats all contain soy.

Crisps/chips - all contain soy or dairy

Vegetable Stock - yes even this contains soy!

I have been tested for a few replacements for:

butter - Nuttalex has tested ok
Chocolate - yes matty has found a dark peppermint choc bar from Mrs Flannerys which has tested ok - PHEW! (can you imagine life without chocolate?)
Bread - corn bread, mountain bread and rye bread are all dairy/soy free

let's just say that we are going to be nightmares to have over for dinner parties and to go out for dinner!!! Matty doesn't eat dairy or nuts, so I think we are going to be the most difficult pair to cook for! We have decided for now that meat and roast vege is a good stand in healthy alternative while we discover a new dairy/soy free diet..... we were thinking stir fries but many of them contain soy sauce which is obviously a big no no! I'm sure it will be a journey of rediscovery and if it means great health for life, that is fine with me!

Oh well, at least I can still drink champagne!!! There won't be too many other real treats but I'm sure I will continue to enjoy nice wine and champas when I'm feeling a bit better!!!

I am still feeling pretty good today; maybe not quite as good as I did yesterday but I'm enjoying my knitting (yes I am officially a Nanna (I know that's what you're thinking!!)) and I began making my first headscarf this morning without my mentor/best mate Joey..... so we'll see how that goes....

We were delighted that we have an order for one of our scarfs from one of my very trendy friends (thanks Nomes!!); so we are very thrilled about that.....so I have lots of easy little projects to keep me amused on these down days.

I will be very happy if I continue to progress this week and I am being very patient and accepting that I will be bound to have more than one sick day after my body is riddled with toxins....I am feeling completely overjoyed with relief and excitement by the hope and thought that I may never feel as sick as I have done in the past so that is the most comforting feeling I could ask for.

Thank you for your messages... finally, if you have any exciting dairy and soy free recipes, please email me! We would LOVE to try them out....

xx

Kinesiology + Chemotherapy = RESULTS!!!!

Well it is the FIRST day post chemo and here I am sitting writing my blog; WOW!

I won't lie as yesterday was an extremely traumatic day for me.... I felt anxious and sick to the stomach at the thought of sitting in that hospital chair once more and I was very upset that the day had finally arrived. As soon as we got there and I sat in 'that' chair I just broke down as I couldn't believe I was going to be going through my next near death experience...... it took a while for me to calm down but I did thanks to darling Matty and the treatment began.....

I was really hoping my blood test was going to come back ok but my white blood cells had reduced so much that they were considering whether I can have treatment. Luckily, my oncologiest said to go ahead with it and to give me a self injection which I will do later today so boost my white blood cells...... as soon as it started going through my blood stream, I felt that instant horrible, dire feeling.......by the end of the three hour session, I was feeling pretty terrible but we had an appnt with my kineso straight away so we raced back to see him and got into his room immediately.

He could feel how depleted my body was instantly; my liver, neck, ovaries and stomach were shot within one hour of the treatment finishing..... so he began giving me large doses of grape seed and cyto bifidus powder which helped some organs instantly..... then he discovered that I need to take gelatine, so once I had that, he noticed a huge difference...... so he has put me on really large doses of these supplements for the next three days and we will then reduce the volumes...... so we came home and I dosed up, said my prayers and hoped like crazy this was going to work!

I was awake for most of the night but I never felt anywhere near as sick as I have for the past two treatments..... I started feeling excited. I woke at 5.30am and couldn't believe how much better I was feeling compared to day one of the past two treatments....... I still feel quite sick but I am far from feeling like death, so I am the happiest person in the world today..... if this is my new rock bottom then I know that I can get through this......... and I am SOOOO pleased I went to my kineso......for the first time since I started chemo, I truly believe that I can get through the next five sessions and that I will be ok.... a very comforting feeling.

I also realised last night why I may have been so sick after the last treatment..... I was finding dairy/soy products, like a glass of milk and jarlsberg cheese in bread (which contains soy) really comforting and knowing now that my body is not able to process any dairy or soy, I think this may have made my progress worse.

So while I didn't even understand kinesiology just a few months ago (apart from what I learnt from Matty) I am now convinced that it can massively contribute to your overall health and wellbeing......he said to me the other evening that many people are too scared to see him as they know it will result in a massive lifestyle change (which it has for us) but having felt the benefits over the past two weeks, I am a believer.

Now many of you have been asking who my kineso is so here are his details:

Nundah Chiropractic Centre
11 Rode Rd, Nundah
T: 3266 7093

There are three kinesiologists/chiropractors at the clinic and I see Ben Maitland who as you know has been brilliant. His father is also apparently brilliant but there is a bigger waiting time to see him. I would highly recommend either of them.

So as I sit here proudly writing my blog on day one post chemo three, I am hoping things will continue to improve. Thank you for all of your messages of love and support.

I have hope and I am now more determined than ever to beat this.

Three down, five to go!!

xxx

Gearing up for Chemo 3

I do wonder why the days that I'm feeling good pass by so quickly! Where have the past two weeks gone? Matty and I have had so much fun over the past couple of weeks and the supplements from my kineso have helped me SOOOO much!

When I saw my kineso last night, he actually said that my body was the best he's felt it so far, so that is a good sign for my blood test and treatment today. As scared as I feel, I know that I am as strong as I possibly could be and I feel that the supplements may help me to get through this treatment a bit better than the last.

We tested a lot of my beauty products last night which was fascinating! It's something that I haven't thought a lot about before, however, every product we put on our skin is absorbed and some of them had some bad reactions. Perfume was one of these, so I am now to spray perfume onto my clothes instead of my skin (a good tip for all women). Thankfully, my Lancome moisturiser tested ok as did my moisturisers from The Sanctuary  in London (that Matty's mum has sent me), however, a lanolin moisturiser that my sis sent me from NZ (which I've been rubbing onto my head every morning and night) reacted badly, so I am not to use that again. My natural Body Shop deodorant tested ok and we have yet to test my makeup as we ran out of time....

I was also told that I can never eat dairy or soy again. We tested some rice crackers, wholegrain muffin and some crisps which have soy flour in and they were very bad, so I am not able to process soy or dairy, including goats milk every again! So I'm sure we will have fun experimenting with this new lifestyle.

I am seeing him tonight after chemo so he can set me up for the week and hopefully help my body to rebound after treatment; a very exciting thought!

I have had such a great few days in the lead up to today. Firstly, my exquisite engagement ring was completed and we picked it up..... my goodness, I was thinking it would be beautiful however, when I saw it, I could barely believe it! It is absolutely beautiful and the yellow diamond looks so spectacular.... I feel extremely lucky and we had some champagne to celebrate.... incidently we drank this the night before my kineso appnt where he said I was the best he's ever felt...... so we agreed that champagne is the key to a long and healthy life!!!!

My best friend Joey has been with us for the past couple of days.... her skills amaze me! We made our first Alannah style scarf which looks beautiful, she taught me how to knit (so a winter scarf is underway!!) and we did felting - so I now have this great piece of felt that I'm going to make into a needle holder and a jewellery wrap...... how cool is that! We had an action packed couple of days with loads of laughs.... Matty made us a delicious pie for dinner on Wed night and put a bit J and S on it.... it was so tasty!

We had some good friends over for dinner last night and it was so great to chat and catch up.....it was the perfect way to spend my last night before chemo; having some laughs with good friends..... (thanks Kim, Val and Nomes!)

So I can say that I feel like we have made the most of every waking hour over the past couple of weeks.... no doubt, I will need to disappear into my little cocoon over the next week..... I just really hope that this time round is a little better than last AND I will have my beautiful new sparkly finger to look at which I'm sure will cheer me up.

Over and out for now.... here is to treatment three.... one more after this to go on the two drugs which I have struggled with.... then I change to another drug which is supposed to be easier!

Here are some pics of the past week for you to enjoy...

xx

My First Kinesiology Experience

After having the most difficult week of my life last week, I resorted to seeing a top kinesiologist on Saturday.... and what an experience it was!

For those of you who don't know what kinesiology is, it is an alternative therapy which essentially tests your muscles and identifies imbalances in your body's structural, chemical or emotional needs. It's a treatment which uses nutrition, exercise, diet and physical manipulation to energize your body; something that I was in desperate need of on Saturday. There is some skepticism around kinesiology, however, I was willing to try anything last week.... and there is equally as much contraversy around chemotherapy (if not more) if you read widely. In fact, there are many people who have abandoned chemo for alternative therapies; something which I am not willing to do (but was seriously considering it last week!!) but if I can find a way to support my immune system post chemo, it will be a good compromise.

I could feel that my body wasn't recovering at all last week post chemo and that no matter how much good food I put into my body, it wasn't enough to replenish the toxins that had fuelled my entire body and taken it over.

The kinesiologist could barely believe how my body felt; he basically said it was completely distressed, to the point that he wouldn't touch my spine or neck (which was all out) because it was under too much stress already. He had some very interesting observations about why cancer had become active in my body and he was able to prescribe two supplements (Grape Seed and Cyto Bifidus) immediately which he had to give me in massive quantities for it to take effect.

I found the visit absolutely brilliant and I feel that this specialist will help me significantly to get through chemo and identify what is happening in my body to make the cancer active. He mentioned that we have to find what is causing the cancer and make the change so it doesn't come back... this will be a longer process to identify as he said it is not obvious and he has warned me that my diet will change massively. He had so many interesting insights and I really feel that he is going to be able to help me get through this and maintain optimum health. It was very fascinating and he said 'man you are wired so differently hey'...... which I laughed at!!! I don't think he had felt a body in such a dilapidated state ever!

Five days later, I am feeling SO much better and the supplements are making a massive difference. I am also taking inner health plus and I'm not eating any dairy at all for the next week to see if that makes a difference. I will see him again next week but the difference to my immune system in a few days is extraordinary! But I guess you would expect that with about 100 billion good bacterias going into my body each day!

I went to my first Pilates class yesterday which I really loved. It's low energy exercise which focuses on core strength and was the perfect type of exercise for me right now. So this week is a new week and thank goodness I have bounced back again......

NB - if you are a cancer patient reading this, please note that the supplements prescribed to me are specifically for my internal system. Every system is different so this is not a blanket solution post chemo.

Thank you to everyone for your ongoing support and messages..... I love reading them every day and all of the love, support and kindness from all of my great friends helps me to get through every single day of this challenge.

Challenging Times

The past week feels like it has been the most challenging week of my life. While I had a terrible day on Saturday after my treatment, I recovered fairly well on Sunday, however, I haven't improved throughout the week much at all. I could never have imagined what it feels like to feel sick and terrible for an entire week; to the point where simply having a shower is exhausting...... well, now I can. The second treatment has hit me far worse than the first and I can feel just how weak my immune system has become; and it's not a comforting feeling.

Many of my friends have asked me what it actually feels like. It's not a pain in the stomach or anywhere in particular.... to me, it feels like something has completely taken over my body and has zapped every bit of energy away from me. It's difficult to breathe, my head feels hazy and dizzy and I generally have very little energy at all. It is completely debilitating and demoralising and I don't think I could ever have imagined just how terrible these toxins could make you feel.

So spiritually and emotionally, I have been in some challenging spaces this week. I have questioned whether I can do this six more times and I have wonderered time and time again just HOW I can do this six more times. I have realised that dealing with the effects of chemo will be far far more difficult than losing a breast or losing my hair.... these things now seem so insignificant and unimportant to me as I really don't care at the moment if people stare at me because I have no hair. I just need to get through the next six rounds.....and that is my sole focus.

I am going to explore some alternative therapies as I understand how difficult this battle will be and I feel that I need something else to help me get through it.... heaven knows how older people survive through chemo; my heart goes out to them.

I have decided this week to start yoga and meditation as I feel these activities may help me to relax my mind and accept that this is happening (which is difficult to do when you are used to being in control of your health and body).

I have been experimenting with my diet this week to try to find something that makes me feel better.... I have had a fairly plain diet of fresh, organic meat and vege which doesn't seem to be refuelling my energy levels to the extent I would like. I have tried pasta, brown rice and lots of fruit too, however, it has played little impact on me this week.

So I am seeing a top kinesiologist today who I am hoping will be able to provide me with the supplements, spiritual techniques and diet advice that will help me to get through this. When I spoke to them yesterday, the lady on reception said her husband went through chemo last year and the advice he was given made a massive difference. I only hope this will be me!

I'm sure that the next two weeks will be better for me and we have so many exciting things ahead of us, so I will be ok and I know I can do it; it's just going to be a little more challenging that what I anticipated after the first treatment!

So here is to new ideas, open minds and big hearts! Thank you to everyone who has continued to support me this week.... it has helped me immensely. Finally, I would like to thank everyone who has donated to my fundraising website http://www.everydayhero.com.au/susie_johnson I am so proud of this effort and you have all smashed my original target of $1000, so thank you, thank you, thank you!

This will go towards cancer research and if it means that one less person has to go through chemo, then this is a significant achievement and celebration for all of us. I pray for that day to come for all of us as I never want anyone to have to go through this in their lifetime...
xx

Chemo Treatment No. 2

It's Sunday morning; about 36 hours after my second chemo treatment. I decided to have my blood test before this chemo session as they had troubles extracting blood from the vein in my hand last time, so this worked much better for me and I will continue to do this before every session.

My blood test revealed a surprisingly big change in my red and white blood cells; particularly the white. They have gone from 8.9 to 3.1 in just three weeks, which means that I have far fewer cells fighting infections; hence the need for me to be extremely careful around illness. The minimum number of cells you need to have is 2, so hopefully my treatment will stay on track and I won't have such a big drop next time. It reminded me why when I go to the gym, I feel tired so quickly....so there will not be much jogging for me in the next few months I don't think.

I then started the treatment after taking the nausea tablet and waiting for one hour for that to kick in. My two red syringes were slowly injected followed by a big bag of the second drug. 2.5hrs later, I felt extremely tired, dizzy and a bit sick instantly.

We came straight home and I had some roasted vege to have some goodness in my body. I fell asleep by 8pm and woke up at 10.30pm which is when the living nightmare began! I didn't sleep for the entire night after that as I felt so terrible and this feeling continued all throughout the day yesterday; it was really upsetting and distressing for me as I couldn't fathom how I could go from feeling quite good to so so horrendous in an instant. I felt like every bit of energy and life had been sucked out me and I wanted to curl up in a corner and disappear. Matty was so wonderful and kept coming to check on me and look after me but I could barely muster up any energy to speak to him.

It really hit me yesterday just how much of a challenging journey this will be. I found myself in a deep, dark place where nothing made me feel good and I couldn't even muster up any excitement for all of the amazing things we have ahead of us; once again, I had never felt so sick in all of my life and it was hard. I had been excited beforehand as I knew this would mark a quarter of the way there; yesterday another six sessions was incomprehendable. Even today, I am not sure how I am going to do it another six times.... but deep down I know I can do it and I realise that it will be 24hrs of pure hell then it will get better.

I am feeling much better today but it will still be very much a rest day..... and hopefully one that I can venture outside for a short walk and see the sun and experience the fresh air. That will make an excellent day for me right now.

If you happen to be reading this on your way out, PLEASE just have some fun for me today; do some laughing and make sure you tell the people close to you how much you love them; this is what really matters and all of the lovely kind and heartfelt texts I had yesterday did really help me to get through the day so thank you to my beautiful friends and family.

So two down, six to go. All I can imagine right now is being able to write only ONE session to go... please let that day come soon...

xxx

My New Hair

On the eve of chemo session number two, I realise that the past few weeks have been pretty good overall. While I have had good and bad days, I know that when I am feeling tired, the best remedy is rest. It is refreshing to know that I will hopefully be able to continue to walk everyday and have a few outings each week.

Today I had one of those outings. I was thinking a few weeks ago that I would not get a wig, however, now that I actually have no hair, I have quickly changed my mind. I went out today in one of my new Alannah scarves, which is beautiful but I felt like a cancer patient for the first time. I find that with my hats, people cannot tell if I have hair under them or not so I don't get as many stares, however, today I really noticed people looking at me, so it will be nice to have a wig so that I can blend in....

Now for anyone who knows me, this is going to be a big change. There is no such thing as a curly blonde long hair wig, so that was not an option. I tried on probably around 20 wigs and had a very difficult time choosing as they are ALL so different. After creating a shortlist and having a little vote between Mum and the girls in the store, I decided to go with this one below. One of the reasons is that it's a similar colour to my hair and I will be able to do a few different styles with it; and more importantly I will still be able to wear my beautiful headbands and hair clips, so that was a good incentive to choose this one.

So here it is...... the unveiling of the new Susie! So despite me having chemo tomorrow, I have lots to look forward to over the next couple of weeks so I am determined to get it out of my system as quickly as possible and feel better quickly!

Let me know what you think of the new do! xx

PINK High Tea Party

I had a wonderful afternoon on Sunday when my closest girlfriends came over for a PINK high tea party; a mini event to celebrate my hair loss as well as to have a bit of fun and a giggle over some games; all with the theme of breasts! It was so lovely to sit over a high tea (yes posh sarnies, scones (courtesy of mum; thanks ma!!), friands, chocolate orange cake and some delicious PINK cupcakes (generously donated by Poppy Cakes at the Emporium - thanks Chris and Theo!!)

It was a true ladies feast all complemented with some pink bubbles! I was feeling a little tired so I skipped the bubbles but I had such a lovely time playing some games and having great laughs and conversations!

It was a really special day for me as my big sis was over for the day, it was the first time everyone saw me with no hair and since we got engaged, so there was lots to celebrate! And I must thank my wonderful UK family for the delivery of the amazing champagne for the party (thank you Linnie B and John!)

Here are some memoirs of the day. I want to thank my beautiful friends and family for making the day really lovely and special for me.... and I am so thrilled that my fundraising site has nearly hit $2,500. Thank you so so much to everyone who has donated to the cause of cancer research. I am so delighted with all of the support everyone has shown me. http://www.everydayhero.com.au/susie_johnson

THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. xx

Shell having fun spinning Joey!

Nomes was getting head spins after all the turns!

Joey missed the nipple but the line up was accurate!

There were sweets in this bra and everyone had to guess the number!

Milena picking her prize

Our Big Announcement

Last Thursday, we had a fairly normal day. We had popped out to pick up a few things and it was the day my gorgeous partner had planned to cook me a nice dinner; something which he has done fairly regularly over the past 7 years.

He prepared a delicious three course meal in our home and it was really lovely as it was the first time we had sat down to a long gourmet dinner since this ordeal began and it was also the first day my hair began to fall out, so it was really nice to sit, relax and not think about that!

Just after our fabulous lamb main course, he came out with a little photo album which had memories of our last seven years, four months, three weeks and one day together! There were photos of all of our trips, tickets to helicopter flights in NY, Wimbledon, the Bolshoi Ballet and much much more......and it immediately brought a tear to my eyes... it was so nice to remember all of our wonderful times and it reminded me of how lucky we have been to have experienced all of these amazing things together... and we are still only 35! We have had so much fun over the past seven years and to have had the experience to live on the other side of the world and meet the man of my dreams overshadows everything that is happening to me right now.

He then came out with a beautiful red velvet cake in the shape of a love heart, which was our dessert. He then asked me to cut into it and as I did, I struck something inside there..... he then took the knife and cut into it and pulled out a little bag with a small box inside it.... it was at this moment, I went into shock! He then pulled out the box and opened it up and all I remember seeing was an exquisite yellow diamond; something I have always wanted..... he then got down on one knee and asked me to marry him...... it brings tears to my eyes five days later..... it was very romantic and very perfect and of course I said yes immediately!

We are both absolutely delighted and it will be something to really look forward to in 2011 when all of this will be over. We are getting the ring designed and made and it will be my dream ring; it's beautiful!

I have always had a little joke with some of my friends who have been in serious relationships whereby I ask them if I need to go 'hat shopping' yet.... as many ladies wear hats to weddings in the UK..... so now I have two reasons to go hat shopping.......

Losing the Locks

My oncologist predicted I would lose my hair 2.5weeks after my first chemo treatment, which would mean I would start losing it this week. I was feeling really good last Thursday and went to have a shower at around lunchtime and it's where it all began...... I lost my first 'clump' of hair. It was fine and it didn't seem to be falling out during the day, so I decided to wait and see how it goes.

On Friday, I lost a few clumps of hair and on Saturday, as we were getting ready to go for lunch (to celebrate Dad's b'day) I got out of the shower and my hair was literally a matted mess! I couldn't get my comb through it, despite me having washed and conditioned it; it felt like a dead mess...... and I lost half a bag of hair, so I decided to take matters into my own hand and call my hairdresser....he very kindly offered to do 'the shave' at the end of the day while there were no other clients int the salon. We went to lunch knowing it would be my last few hours with hair for a long time... a weird feeling!

So it came to 5pm and I began to feel really nervous... we had been busy up until then so I didn't really have time to think about it. It was very emotional on our way to the salon; I couldn't quite believe it was happening.... my hairdresser also obviously didn't like having to do it either but he was so kind and put me at ease immediately and it turned out to be nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be.... I just kept thinking that I would NEVER be shaving my head again in this lifetime, so it was a once in a lifetime experience AND more importantly, it was one step closer to the end of this life challenge! About 30mins later, I had no hair left.....AND I don't look as bad as I thought I would.... what I did realise is how much space my hair took up as my hat was far too big for me.....

Joey was down on Sunday with some new hat prototypes..... she made two gorgeous new styles (which she is going to teach me in a couple of weeks) and the hat which she thought was too small (which JUST fits on her five year old son) actually fits me perfectly! So I obviously have a small head, which means I may even be able to shop in the children's dept for some new hats!

So all is going ok with the new hairstyle (or headstyle) and the only comment I would make is that I have noticed how sensitive the skin is; particularly at the back of my neck. I have had to put lots of moisturiser on it and it seems to be fine, however, I know I will need to be very careful in summer as this is raw skin that has never seen daylight.

I have also been going to the drawer for my hair tie before my shower; purely out of habit and I haven't quite gotten used to the fact that I can wet my head under the shower without having to go through all the layers of care; conditioning, hair products, combing, drying etc so that has felt strange. I will pack all of my ribbons, hair ties, hair dryer away this week.

I have now officially begun my journey as a bald woman and it will be four - six months of living like this. The good thing is that as you cannot see your head as you walk around, I have forgotten a few times that I have no hair... and I'm much quicker getting ready as it's so easy washing your scalp, moisturising it and putting a hat on your head!

I had my close friends come over on Sunday for my PINK high tea party, which was a fundraising initiative for cancer research and I will write more about that now....but it was really nice that none of them looked at me strangely and in fact, they didn't make a big deal out of my new look at all so I really appreciated that! We had lots of fun......one of my friends little girls said that she loved my new hair cut... and was very sincere apparently so that was really sweet....

Unveiling of the Sewing Room

Well after a week of not blogging, I'm back AND I have plenty of news to tell..... firstly I had a really good second week. While I wasn't doing much each day, I was feeling really good generally, however, I did slip backwards yesterday having been quite busy for a few days in a row.... so it has hit me how sensitive my immune system is and as soon as I feel a sore throat, fatigue coming on, I need to rest my body..... after a restful day yesterday, I'm feeling much better today......

So here is the new sewing room as promised. It hasn't been getting as great a workout as I would have liked, however, I have put together a few new hat combos which I'm not convinced I will wear or liek as yet but here they are for your comments.

Help Me To 'Make A Difference'

As you know, this week marks my final week with hair. I'm not sure whether I'll make it to the end of the week but I am really hoping so as we are celebrating my Dad's birthday on Saturday over lunch at a restaurant (please hair, hold on until then!!!).

Obviously I am very upset about this loss which I think could possibly be the most difficult part of the challenge over the next six months. While I have endured surgery and one chemo treatment so far, the reality is that no one from the outside in can tell that I'm sick; with my hair loss, everyone will notice! Let's just say that a couple of weeks ago my new hat/scarf collection was being pulled out of the drawer every day for a bit of an experiment...... for the past two weeks they have been out of sight as the reality is hitting me hard that this is my last week of looking well..... like Susie!

I feel this is a really defining moment for me as it will take a lot of courage to walk outside and not care what other people think.... and possibly get used to being stared at regularly! (hence the reason why I'm now seriously contemplating a wig).

Rather than simply being upset about it, I have decided to take control and create an opportunity for other people from it..... so I have created an online fundraising website at http://www.everydayhero.com.au/susie_johnson and I am asking all of you to make a small donation towards Queensland's leading cancer research agency Cancer Council Queensland. If we can all contribute to finding alternative treatments to chemo more quickly, it will be hugely rewarding to know that we have prevented someone from having to go through the ordeal of chemo. The reality is that if there was an alternative treatment available, I would not have to endure the pain and sickness that chemo brings, nor would I lose my hair!

I am also hosting a small PINK high tea party on Sunday with my close friends to celebrate either the final days of having my hair or possibly the first day of not having any! I am looking forward to that.

I have had a super week end of feeling really great. I have had my first hat order (from my sister!) so I'm feeling loved and it was great to spend the week end doing normal things and feeling so happy!

I promise that my next update will have pics of my new hats and the sewing room!