Post Chemo 5

I'm not sure where to begin with this post........ it's been a bit of a crazy week and I have found out that a girl I went to primary school with has just been diagnosed with breast cancer and is about to start chemo in two weeks...... I vividly remember reading other blogs before I started chemo and to be frank, I found them depressing! I could never have imagined feeling so terrible and down about anything so I really didn't believe I would ever be in that space......... but then the reality of chemo one hit!

So I always try to write my blog so that it doesn't scare people who are about to start chemo..... but I have to say that this week, it's difficult to do that because chemo is hard and it is like no other feeling you have ever felt before (or that you'll feel ever again hopefully). My biggest resolve is that if I can get through this, I can do ANYTHING! I don't think any other life challenge will quite compare to eight rounds of chemotherapy. And five times into it, I am still astounded at how the human body bounces back from feeling completely depleted to pretty good in a fairly short space of time.

It's really great that I have now had five out of eight sessions but this was the first of the new drug (Docetaxel) and I had heard it was much easier than my previous drugs...... in essence, whoever said this was lying!

After chemo on Monday, I woke up on Tuesday pinching myself as I felt so good and normal that I couldn't believe that I had had chemo!!! I was over the moon....... then Wednesday came........

I woke up feeling terrible..... I spent the entire day in bed sleeping; which I have never done before after any treatment! Every bit of energy had been sapped from my body, my head was muddy and I was so fatigued like never before. I was taking high doses of supplements but they didn't make a huge difference like they had with the previous treatments..... I saw Ben (my kineso) on Thursday and he adjusted my supplement doses and gave me the equivalent of 100 folic acid tablets (he said he's only ever given one other person this dosage) and upped my doses of everything else......

One of the side effects of the new chemo drug is aching bones.... my god, I felt every single bone in my body ache and ache yesterday - from my elbows to my knees, it was painful! There is a high chance of chemo patients developing osteoporosis so I am trying to keep as active as possible to avoid this happening..... all I can say is if this is a taste of what osteo feels like, I never want to develop it!

Today is Friday and I'm feeling slightly better but I have to say that I don't feel like chemo is getting any easier; and three more of the same sounds like a massive challenge to me right now! I consider myself to be a pretty strong person and each time, I find that it takes every bit of energy to pull me back into a positive mindset........

I have realised this week how lucky I have been to have Matt here at home with me up until now, helping me every step of the way to get through it...... I REALLY feel for people who are doing the treatment alone as it is one long and lonely journey; especially through the dark days and moments......

But I stay focused on all of the amazing things we have to look forward to, especially our wedding..... on some days, I dream about simple things like getting into my jeans and heels and going to a bar for a glass of champagne or going out for a nice dinner....... oh I will never take these outings we enjoyed regularly for granted again!

Come January, there is no doubt I will be the happiest person in the world. While this journey has taught me so much about myself, I never want to be on it again.......

Bring on 2011!
xx